It's Not So Bad

Like the dark, spiders, and heights, the idea of failing terrifies me.

I'm sure I am not alone. No one likes to fail, but not everyone is as easily deterred from acting on something as I am. Rarely will I attempt something unless I am fairly certain that I will succeed. The mere potential of failure is enough to keep me from pursuing things I actually want.

Sure, the things I do try often do turn out near perfect, but I likely could've told you that before I even tried. I rarely surprise myself because I am so safe with my choices/actions, and that is no way to live.

I need balance. I need to try things that I am likely to fail at because that is the only chance I have to feel the thrilling side of success.

And I need to see that being told "no" or falling flat on my face really isn't as bad as I thought it was.

Hence the email I just sent.

I asked for a raise during a global economic crisis...

Now I got a stomach full of butterflies, and I'll probably jump every time I hear my phone ring or see a new message waiting in my inbox, but the reality is that I have been thinking about asking for a raise since September. Sometimes I try to convince myself and others that I don't pursue things I want to because I am procrastinating... but that is rarely the real reason. The job I am in is not the way a person builds a savings account. I make peanuts, and even with a raise, I'd still make peanuts. I'm sure I'll live my entire life making peanuts... there's not a lot of money in helping "the least of these" and I am completely fine with it.

Peanuts... because I haven't said that word enough.

It's largely symbolic to me. It's about doing something I am afraid of well as reaffirming myself by refusing to belittle what I do.

We'll see what happens. For now, I'll keep repeating what Scotty (who will dive head-first into practically anything... I am so jealous!)reassured me with: "it never hurts to ask."