I am broke but I'm blessed

Dreams come in the form of white sand and turquois water, lush forests and ancient ruins, exotic birds flying overhead and humidity thick and hot against by back.

I want to run away for a while.

But I have no time or money- instead I have four papers, a mountain of laundry, housework, errands, a date with the dentist, looming course deadlines, work and an annoying (and often burdensome) desire to not settle for a self focussed existance.

So I'll make the best of it.

Lately my mantra has been to find enjoyment in the simple things: jogs on the beach, a good book, holding hands, making a culinary masterpiece from the scraps left in the fridge, singing and dancing like a fool to my latest obession, wearing the same jeans 3 days in a row, pretending I can draw, bubble baths, candle light, making up my own yoga flow, colouring with wax crayons, being a "tourist" in my hometown, a good laugh with a new friend and tears with an old friend, watching that movie for the 80th time because I still love it, late night pizza runs, the smell of the forest after a good rain, walks to the video store, 5 cent candies, long talks with my mom (and my mom-in law).... the list goes on.



Sometimes we're so busy paying attention to what other people have that we get blinded to all the great things that everyday life brings, we stop trying to find adventure in it, we stop enjoying life and merely exist. We live for our weekends or vacations and completely miss the moment we're in.

Not to Fix or Save

If you learned that all Bibles would be burned tonight, but you were allowed to keep verse or passage what would it be?

This was a question posed to our group at the workshop we attended at Jacob's Well.

Joyce told us that most Christians would answer with either John 3:16 or The Great Commission in Matthew 28:19 ("Go make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the father....").

But Jesus clearly states that the greatest commandment is to Love God, followed by Loving others.




There is so much pain and corruption in our world that it is easy for even the best-equipped to be discouraged. Where does one start? It seems that you may be able to feed one starving child only to turn around and see three more behind you...

So what's the answer?

It's all to easy to look at Joyce's work in the downtown Eastside where the reality is that they do more burials than baptisms and say that it's not for us. Working somewhere like that would be too discouraging, and would likely make us depressed. A person like Joyce must have something different running through her veins because expecting something like that out of someone like you is unfair.

The fit's just not right.

Although I agree that everyone has different callings in life, and everyone has different giftings- we manipulate that fact so as to be the exception to the rule of loving others... ALL OTHERS.

I am convinced that one of the biggest reasons that people convince themselves that the "fit" isn't right- that they won't be the next person to help those facing problems of drug addiction, social injustice, poverty, AIDS, child abuse/ neglect/abandonment, war etc. - because we see these people who require our help as something to "fix" or "save".

But take a look at Matthew 25:35-39

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat,
I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink,
I was a stranger and you invited me in,
I needed clothes and you clothed me,
I was sick and you looked after me,
I was in prison and you came to visit me"

Note: it does NOT say: I was hungry so you bought all my groceries for life or I was sick and you healed me.

No where does it say "you saved/changed me, you fixed all my problems and made my life straightforward and clean."

Instead it is seeing a need, and acting in love.




Are you a humanist or a Christ follower? (Do you feel pressure to save people or love people?).

Instead of being overwhelmed to the point of apathy- judge your life by this: at the end of each day, ask yourself:

Have I loved well?

A Truth I Cannot Shake

Last week my husband and I went to the Seattle Zoo. While I understand that zoo's tend to be controversial- I believe that they are necessary to wake us up to the fact that the past forty years has been catastrophic to the population of many of the world's most beautiful and fascinating species.

I do not agree with private zoos, but those that partner with conservation and research efforts do not belong in the same category.

Aside from the fact that Seattle zoo not only donates $2 Million a year to wildlife conservation efforts all around the world, they also are responsible for captive breeding with some of the world's most threatened species who's very existence is hanging by a thread.

At every enclosure there are two world maps that show not only where a species can be found, but also indicate researchers' best estimates of total population. One map reflects these estimates in 1960, the other is for 2000. As we walked from enclosure to enclosure, I became acutely aware that unless we make some serious changes, the only wildlife our children and grandchildren will see are crows, raccoons, and those domesticated rabbits that have been set free.

The red areas for each species was significantly diminished over the past 40 years (with the populations of some species numbering in the thousands and even hundreds) that it was actually frightening.


(Tiger Distribution in 1900 vs. 1990)

Another terribly effective visual, located at the zoo's entrance, was a large billboard with two spinning counters. The first gave a running tally of the world's population which proceeded to increase by one at a horribly rapid rate (maybe two per second). Below it was a second counter which counted down, by square mile, what's left of the world's available natural "raw" land. Although the rotating numbers didn't "click" down as quickly as that the first clicked up, I actually felt ill. I stood and stared at it for a while, but turned away before I felt completely overwhelmed.

I don't know what the answer is, but I am convinced that I will leave this earth being someone who at least gave a damn.

I am tired of hearing about heartache, pain, disaster, poverty, alienation, pollution, extinction- AND NOT DOING A THING ABOUT IT!

I know that I can't save the world, but I can pick a species, and do SOMETHING.

So thanks Seattle Zoo, for giving me yet another kick in the ass (objective achieved).

New Arrival

The zoo wasn't all horrible truths.

As wee approached the silverback gorilla enclosure, we saw a group of docents with a clipboard observing something in the enclosure.

As we watched the massive male regurgitate the same mouthful off hay, leaves and veggies into his palm (yummy, I know)- in my eavesdropping I learned that they were there to watch the zoo's youngest addition- a baby gorilla born at the zoo on October 20th to "Amanda" (who has previously given birth to two other female gorilla's in the same enclosure). I flagged a gentleman over and learned that it was born at 6 lbs and was now 9 lbs at their best guess. He told us that earlier that day, the baby had stood on its own for the first time and actually kissed it's older sister on the forehead.



As I stood regretting the fact that I hadn't come earlier, the mother, "Amanda" emerged from the bushes and came up over the hill with a tiny little ball of fur clinging to her belly.

She proceeded to sit down with her back to the glass right in front of us so that we could peer over her shoulder into that tiny little face that made me squeek with excitement.

Nothing New

My day didn't pan out quite like I had planned on filling my afternoon with random acts of kindness like giving roses to a stranger in the parking lot, buying a cup of coffee for the person behind me in line at Tim Hortons, bringing heart-shaped sugar cookies to the retirement center, and collecting old blankets for the dogs and cats at the pet shelter...

Instead I made a huge batch of mini cherry chip cupcakes and delivered them to Scotty's grandma, our youth leaders, my group home, and my inlaws.

As good as it sounded to spend the day doing random acts of kindness- I felt God telling me that it wasn't the right time- that he wanted so much more from me than a few acts of love I could do and still maintain a safe distance, with little sacrifice. He wants a bolder statement- he wants my life to be LIVED in love.

Lately I've been asking myself how I can claim to love my brothers and sisters while spending too much money on new clothes that I don't really need. And what's worse is that I am inevitably supporting kid labour, or at very least, unspeakable working conditions for many poor and desperate people.

So I am waving my white flag: I am committing to a year of going without new clothes. Don't ask me to go to the mall, because I won't be buying anything new- if I really want clothing, I'll buy recycled (no large corporation will profit from my purchase), or sew my own clothes... and I am convinced I will be happier for it.

(I make only one exception- because I run, I will likely need new shoes- or my knees will suffer).

The money I save will do better things than hang in my closet. I will be forced to be thrifty and creative- and I will rediscover one of my old hobbies...sewing.

A Year Has Passed...

I can't believe it's been a year.

Last year Scotty's grandpa passed away around 10 am on Valentine's day- we spent the day trying to come to grips with such a huge loss.

As Scotty sat in front of his Grandma, holding both her hands while she tried to process losing her other half only mere minutes ago- she managed to say between sobs:

"I don't remember not having grandpa beside me."

Her loss still haunts me. I have only been married four years this spring- grandma had been married nearly 55 years- I don't know that love yet, but I do know that losing Scotty would devastate me.

As February 14th was coming to a close- we welcomed a new Nephew into the family- who now carries Grandpa's name.

This year I don't know what I will do with my Valentine's day. I'm not a Valentine's hater, but I do tend to agree that you should appreciate those you love everyday, and that gifts do not make up for actions. Celebrating love is never a bad thing, but I'd like to start using Valentine's as a day to take it outside of the traditional- to do random acts of kindness for others.



I'm limited on cash and time, and I likely won't have a car- so I'll have to be creative. Hopefully it will inspire a new tradition.

"Live simply so that others may simply live."

...is a quote that is ruining my life. It sits in the back of my mind- and forces itself upon me when I am satisfying my "wants" rather than my "needs."

I used to live in blissful ignorance- my thoughts were never haunted by the harsh realities of our world. Harsh realities that I have more control over than I ever want to admit. Realities that, if you are not actively standing against, you're actively fueling. You're either part of the problem or part of the solution- there IS no middle ground.

We've been told our whole lives that our money and our time are ours, but the God that I believe in doesn't tell the same story: (James 5:1-3;5-6- The Message)

" And a final word to you arrogant rich: Take some lessons in lament.

You'll need buckets for the tears when the crash comes upon you.

Your money is corrupt, and your fine clothes stink.

Your greedy luxuries are a cancer in your gut, destroying your life from within.

You thought your were piling up wealth. What you've piled up is judgement.

You've looted the earth and lived it up. But all you'll have to show for it is a fatter than usual corpse.

In fact, what you've done is condemn and murder perfectly good persons, who stand there and take it."

(Not a likely scripture to be blasted from the pulpit.)



Arrogant rich: Us. (If you can afford rent, food and enough fabric to clothe your body- YOU ARE rich compared to the majority of the world).

The victims of murder: Anyone living in poverty. Those who die from an empty belly. We are their oppressors, we hold the smoking gun. I'm not being harsh- it says it right here in James. Accept it or not- it's the truth.

I am such a work in progress- and that is a HUGE understatement- but I am convinced that now is the time to begin to climb that Everest. I'll begin with baby steps- and I know I am bound to slip- but I am gonna commit my life to trying.

I actually got up from writing this and gathered together the stuff I bought at Ross that I hadn't removed the tags from yet, and unhappily (yes, unhappily- I'm dragging my feet) put it back in the bag with the receipt to return tomorrow morning on my way to Seattle. I've also ripped the old pages out of a school notebook and scribbled "Not Mine" on the front in black marker. I plan on keeping track of how I spend that which is not mine to hoard.

A Product of My Culture

I've been wrestling with finding a balance between living in our society and taking responsibility for the marginalized. In a society which is all about what you can get- how do you continue to live in it selflessly?

The thought can drive me mad. As much as I try- I keep finding myself buying more "stuff" or seeking something to entertain me that inevitably costs more money than many families in third world countries make in a week.

I could just give everything up, but if I am honest with myself, I know that it wouldn't be genuine, and I would end up being totally bitter and jealous of everyone around me who continue to live their lives as I used to.

I do believe that we will all be held accountable for how we cared for the needy, and I also believe that when we decide to give something up- if we want it to be a lasting change- we need to replace it with something else.

If you love your grande Starbucks lattes at a whopping $5 a pop; or you spend every Friday night at the movie theater; or you love to get together with friends at a cozy restaurant and enjoy a lovely meal together; or you can't pass down a good deal and you hear those clearance racks calling your name every Saturday morning. Whatever the case, it seems as if our lives revolve around making money and spending it.

Have you ever tried to go three days without spending a cent? It's practically impossible. Unless you stay holed up in your house, you'll almost inevitably spend money on something. And simply giving up these things is likely to give you the martyr syndrome, followed by many bitter pity parties, unless you find a suitable replacement (there is only so much wandering around your house you can take).

So what's the answer?

Starbucks coffees, meals out, shopping, movies etc. are not only expensive, but they're not necessity- especially when you consider what that money COULD do for our brothers and sisters who weren't so lucky to be born into such material blessing.




I envy those who have truly learned to live simply, but I haven't quite figured it out- partly due to fear, and partly because I am sure that I would become a recluse. I am a product of a consumer-obsessed society; and as such, I really don't know how to have "free fun." I have lost the ability to entertain myself.

But I'm ready and willing to learn.

No One Likes A Critic

Lately I've been more attentive to how we treat one another. It seems that I tend to have the same conversation with the same conclusion: Women need to be more supportive of one another, and though the war between women is a special case in and of itself, I think people in general, need to be better to each other (myself included).

I know I'm not stating anything new, but it doesn't make it any less true- we DO need to change.

I wish we could cut each other a little slack- so many of us hold expectations that no one can live up to. We're so quick to write someone off if they make even the slightest mistake, or of they let us down. And I hate how we relentlessly question someone's authenticity. If someone says that they're trying to make a change, we're so quick to criticize, even though we're all well aware that change does not come overnight, but takes a lot of work.




We're so quick to discourage one another, and so slow to forgive.

The movie "Bruce Almighty" has a line that has always stuck with me:
"Be the change you want to see."

I believe that if we all lived by this philosophy we'd be a lot happier, and our relationships would be a lot better off.

Instead of citisizing our society for not doing more for the poor and destitute- do something about it. Instead of criticising our churches for being full of hypocrites or judgemental people- start with yourself. Instead of being hard on a family member for letting you down- extend a little grace and apologize for the times you let them down. Instead of disparaging a friend for not being sensitive, be sensitive to them first.

I believe there are only a handful of cases in which a person is the vicitim (at 0% fault). Most of the time we all have a lot more control over an outcome than we'd like to admit. You can hold onto your pride and play the self-pity card, or you can shake it off and/or work it out and then move forward into being the change you want to see.

I May Be Married- But I'm Not Dead...

I have something to admit...I have a bit of a crush...his name is Gerard Butler.



(For the record, I LOVE Scotty and plan on always having a crush on him).

A few weeks ago I saw the movie "P.S I LOVE YOU" and I LOVED IT!!! I could've cried through the whole thing, and when it was over, I couldn't even look at or talk to Scotty for half an hour because I was trying so hard to hold it all together. Gerard's character could make any girl's heart melt (topped off with his Irish accent of course)...

And then there's "300"- do I really need to say much more?



I've realized that a huge part to his appeal is in his maturity. Like George Clooney- he just seems to get better with age. And at the risk of sounding like a complete wad- I believe my man to be one of those guys... we're coming up on our four year wedding anniversary and he's way hotter now than he was four years ago. I actually told him today that I can't wait for him to get older.

One more shot for good measure:

Photo of the Day

Yesterday I took my mom for a little shopping spree in the states... four hours later we left Ross with some great deals (you could practically say we stole). While waiting for her in the change room at Macy's I watched a little CNN, and this photo made my heart stop:




The baby girl was tossed from a burning building by her parents in a fire in Germany Yesterday.

Below was a policeman who caught the little one.

The father is fine, and the mom is in the hospital.

A Spoonful of Cute