Released.

This morning I heard a voice.

It was undeniable and it left me in tears- tears of relief- tears of breakthrough- tears of realization.

I feel as though blindspots have been removed from the windows to my soul.

A burden has been lifted, and I have taken my first deep breath in a LONG time.

"Let not your life be defined by what you achieve... let your life be defined by how you love."

It came upon me with such power- it spoke directly to my soul. It gave me the answer that I have been searching for.

I am a firm believer in the quarter life crisis. It is a chapter of life characterized by towering pressure where we are supposed to experience change from teen to adult, job to career, single to married, renter to homeowner, child to parent, influenced to respected.... and we're supposed to achieve all of this in 10 years.

I have felt guilty... like a failure for not being what I had set out to be 7 years after graduating high school.

In high school, I was ALL about the achievement: My course load in grade 12 consisted of all the sciences (math, biology, chemistry, calculus and physics) and I put pressure on myself to be at the top of all my classes. I graduated with a 93.5% average. I was the class valedictorian. I was headed to UBC pre-med... and I was set on being defined by my achievements. I wanted to be great....

Every time I run into an old friend there is the inevitable exchange of the resume- the listing of all that I have done and achieved since high school, and it is in these moments that the pressure is nearly unbearable as I am forced to examine where I am compared to where I believe I am SUPPOSED to be.

My last few exchanges have been different. I have noticed the disappointment in the faces others as they give me the run-down of their lives over the past few years- their eyes don't match their words. Even though some had achieved so much- degrees, travel, buying the first home etc.- they appear to feel the same insurmountable pressure I feel.

I have been left to wonder whether it is achievement, and lack of, that has left me feeling guilty and dissatisfied or if it is that I have spent so much time deceiving myself... convincing myself that I really WANT all of this; and further, that all of this will bring meaning and fulfillment to my life.



At the end of my life will I measure it by what I have done?

Will I beat myself up over what I have failed to achieve?

Or will I measure my life by how I have loved?

It doesn't matter what you do with your life... what matters is that you loved.

Love well. Love Big. Love impossible.