Waiting for Spring

I am stranded in spiritual/emotional winter.

I am depressed.

I’ve been fighting it for the past few months, trying to avoid it…

Trying to deny it.

But truth is, I am. Whether I try to brave a smile when I really feel like crying will not change how I feel.

Pride is a funny thing, it somehow makes us feel as if we should pretend we are above everything, that we are super-human… so we spend so much time and waste so much energy trying to deny the very weaknesses that make us human- when in reality, if we only admitted to our weakness, we could put that time and energy into getting help, growing and figuring out how we’re going to face the challenges that lie before us.

Pride makes us spend so much time denying who we are that we forget to live.

Depression has such a stigma attached to it, and I believe it is those who consistently give into their pride (pride-mongers) that perpetuate it. Some have inflicted incredible damage to those who are hurting by making them feel weak, sickly and inadequate on top of everything that is going on inside of them (basically kicking them when they are down).

For me, saying those three words out loud (“I am depressed”) was perhaps the most freeing feeling I have had lately.
As soon as they tumbled from my lips when Scotty was asking if I was upset with him, I felt a massive weight lift from me (humility doesn’t come to me easily, but when I manage to demonstrate it, I feel better… every time).



No amount of acting and denial made my burden lighter, but three simple words not only gave me freedom, but they also opened me up to incredible insight: Everyone gets depressed. Life follows seasons. There will be, and have always been, spiritual summers and winters.

It should come as no surprise.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

Two summers ago, I was going through the harshest spiritual winter of my life, and I had felt it proper to step back from volunteering with youth until the following fall. I sent an email out to my lovely senior high girls explaining what I was going through. They sent back a whole lot of love, compassion and understanding that I just sat and wept as I read their beautiful words. One of my girls wrote out John 15, and attached a note at the bottom that said something about this being a time where God was needing to spiritually “prune back” in my life so that I may be able to move forward and do greater things, but at this time in my life (where I felt like I was falling apart) all I needed to do was endure it and rest in him…

That spoke to my soul then, and it speaks to me now: God is going to do his thing whether I like it or not. He has plans for my life, and he wants me to bear more fruit than ever before.

Now that is freedom.

And after winter must come…