Pulled.

I have really been exploring what it means to do the small things with great love.

I have been pretty closed-off about work on my blog because I don't want to infringe on any of my girls' privacy, but there are many stories of courage and strength, of struggle and heartbreak-- it may do more harm to not share them.

Three weeks ago, I crashed on a friend's visit with some people I had never met... luckily this friend is the most welcoming person ever and just pulled up a chair for me and introduced me to her friends. Within minutes I was talking non-stop about my work. I completely lost track of time. It was nearly midnight when I got in my car to drive home.

What's funny is that I don't often talk about work.

I'll say bits and pieces here and there, but a lot of stuff happens and I won't even come home and tell Scotty about my day. Working 60+ hrs a week isn't bad... what gets me is the emotional toll it has on me.

I've worked with 23 young women over the past 2 and a (nearly) half years, and I have 23 life-stories that could bring a person to their knees in sorrow.

There are a lot of things that make my blood boil. Things that have been done to these beautiful young women that they never deserved... that have left huge scars. That have crushed their hopes.

Each of these young women has touched my soul. Each one has left a mark on my heart.

Being witness to their scars leaves me feeling empty. Helpless and often hopeless.

After hearing their stories and looking into their eyes, it seems impossible to say, "don't worry God has a plan for your life." It isn't that I don't believe that they have potential: any person who can survive what they have has more strength than I can ever hope to have. What I struggle with is the odds. The odds are stacked against them.

My stomach is always in knots. I often try to avoid talking about work as some sort of denial. It is so easy to lose sight of God in all of it because it is in the absence of God that these horrors were/are done to them.

Hopelessness is contagious. I catch it alot.

The other night as I was talking to one of my former coworkers, she shook her head and said,"I often wonder is this is really what I want to do for a career." That struck a chord with me. I often joke that I will become an interior designer, dolphin trainer, or beach bum when I have my "break-down." Everywhere I turn is heartbreak. Problems that cannot easily be solved. Addictions that never fully go away...

And I can say that every time... EVERY TIME I start to think that way, a still small voice says the same thing to me:

"If you stop working in this area, the heartbreak won't change- it will be there whether you choose to work with it or not. The only factor that will change if you leave is you: you will be choosing to close your eyes to it."

A career change won't change their stories. There will always be pain, heartache and deep scars. I have control over nothing. As we stood in the kitchen and chatted- we both came to the same conclusion: we're here because we're supposed to be. We could both pinpoint moments in our lives in which God revealed we were EXACTLY where God wants us.

There are so many days that I feel I am not doing enough; further, there are days that I feel I am not doing any good. I feel frustrated and discouraged ALL THE TIME.

As I drove home, I burst into tears as I surrendered my life to my God for the thousandth time. While I don't understand my part in it- I cannot deny that God has placed me here. I continue to show up, and no matter how hard it gets, I can't see myself leaving. I feel an irresistible pull to this job that defies all logic, and I know that it is Him taking my hand and leading me to these girls whose stories have broken His heart as well. He asks me to be His hands and His feet. He's working in their hearts, and I am but a tiny piece of the puzzle in their lives. I cannot see what is being done within them and I have to be okay with that. I have to trust even though I don't understand... even though I don't see the bigger picture.

Mother Teresa once said: "God doesn't call us to be successful. He call's us to be faithful."

It's not my place to heal the brokenness, to get an addict clean, to explain "why this had to happen to you." My place is to serve. To keep coming back. To continually surrender to Him.

I am learning. God is not only moving through me, but he's moving within me. I am broken and made new over and over again.

And through it all I am made stronger.