Thursday, August 28, 2008

Waiting for Spring

I am stranded in spiritual/emotional winter.

I am depressed.

I’ve been fighting it for the past few months, trying to avoid it…

Trying to deny it.

But truth is, I am. Whether I try to brave a smile when I really feel like crying will not change how I feel.

Pride is a funny thing, it somehow makes us feel as if we should pretend we are above everything, that we are super-human… so we spend so much time and waste so much energy trying to deny the very weaknesses that make us human- when in reality, if we only admitted to our weakness, we could put that time and energy into getting help, growing and figuring out how we’re going to face the challenges that lie before us.

Pride makes us spend so much time denying who we are that we forget to live.

Depression has such a stigma attached to it, and I believe it is those who consistently give into their pride (pride-mongers) that perpetuate it. Some have inflicted incredible damage to those who are hurting by making them feel weak, sickly and inadequate on top of everything that is going on inside of them (basically kicking them when they are down).

For me, saying those three words out loud (“I am depressed”) was perhaps the most freeing feeling I have had lately.
As soon as they tumbled from my lips when Scotty was asking if I was upset with him, I felt a massive weight lift from me (humility doesn’t come to me easily, but when I manage to demonstrate it, I feel better… every time).



No amount of acting and denial made my burden lighter, but three simple words not only gave me freedom, but they also opened me up to incredible insight: Everyone gets depressed. Life follows seasons. There will be, and have always been, spiritual summers and winters.

It should come as no surprise.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)




Two summers ago, I was going through the harshest spiritual winter of my life, and I had felt it proper to step back from volunteering with youth until the following fall. I sent an email out to my lovely senior high girls explaining what I was going through. They sent back a whole lot of love, compassion and understanding that I just sat and wept as I read their beautiful words. One of my girls wrote out John 15, and attached a note at the bottom that said something about this being a time where God was needing to spiritually “prune back” in my life so that I may be able to move forward and do greater things, but at this time in my life (where I felt like I was falling apart) all I needed to do was endure it and rest in him…

That spoke to my soul then, and it speaks to me now: God is going to do his thing whether I like it or not. He has plans for my life, and he wants me to bear more fruit than ever before.

Now that is freedom.

And after winter must come…

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Strike Notice

August has been a dry month...

I won't get into it, but I've unexpectedly had to work a lot this month.

Won't lie... I'm a bit upset about it.

Scotty finished his last exam on August 15th- and I had planned on going camping with him for 4 days during his two weeks off, but instead I am working...

Lame.

Last week and this coming week combined I will have worked 154 hours (48 of which are on the coming long weekend).

No more summer for me.

So I'm on strike... until I stop feeling so bad for myself.



... and until I get my new camera: The Canon S5 IS Powershot

Friday, August 15, 2008

Drums and a Bloated Moon

I am perched on the back of the couch, my laptop resting on the window-seat, the moon is swollen and fat and is casting a deep silver light on the few small clouds that remain suspended in the hot summer night air.

I am at work yet again, but something feels different tonight.

I humidity just hangs in the air... and I love it. While some complain that these hot nights make sleeping hard, I actually enjoy them. It is exactly this that I crave in the middle of winter when it seems that nothing can warm me up.



The sounds of tribal drums are echoing off the houses- all I can guess is that someone is having a full moon celebration. Every once and a while I hear cheers, and there is part of me that wants to wander out into the neighbourhood to see the action.

Even though it seems to be the butt of far too many jokes amongst mainlanders... Surrey has grown on me. I truly love how multicultural it is. I enjoy walking into a store and being an ethnic minority. If one wants authentic ethnic dishes, it seems that Surrey is the place to find it.

Truth is, I ache to travel. I have not been off the continent yet, but have always dreamt of running away for a while and seeing how other people live. I am fascinated by other cultures and traditions.

Money is hard to come by in these final months of my undergraduate degree (and years of Scotty's), I know that travel isn't feasible in the near future... so for now I have to find enjoyment in my present surroundings.

Staring at the moon and listening to the beating drums tonight makes me feel that it may not be so difficult.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

A Bunny's Wonder Woman

4:50 am I woke from a very deep slumber to a muffled squeel coming from the back yard. I took a couple deep breaths, flung myself out of bed and sprinted down the hall, stairs, through the kitchen, down a few more steps, stopped momentarily to throw on all the WRONG lights, through two sliding doors and into my black back yard.

Forget the fact that I've got early stages of plantar faciitis (from freakin' flip flops!), I couldn't even feel the rocks under my feet. I tripped only once (onto the dewy-wet lawn), but I was up in seconds and barreling towards the back corner of our lot, out popped a scared, wet and disheveled Coconut(my Holland lop), but I kept going for the asshole who wasn't playing nice with my baby...



It hopped onto the back fence...I was staring at a smug raccoon. Honestly, if I were just a bit closer I would've punched that raccoon in the bum. My fists were clenched and I was pissed... but he slunk over the fence.

At that moment the backyard flooded with light, and a confused Scotty was standing by the sliding door to see his wife covered in grass clippings (from my fall)... with a wild look still in her eyes.

I scooped up my little boy and he grabbed Pancake. They're spending the rest of the morning in the sun room.

Only a couple bleeding back claws and a whole lot of saliva-matted hair... he put up a solid flight!

As I type this, I flicked on the floodlight to see a mother raccoon and her two little ones climbing around our garden... bunnies go inside at night time from now on.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Matisyahu

I am finally home. From Pemberton Music Festival to Power to Change Kid's Day Camp in Whistler to a big rock slide across the Sea to Sky... my past 10 days were a whirlwind.

I have so many thought floating in my head right now, but first and foremost is Matisyahu.

I am a HUGE fan, and after seeing him at Pemberton- I am in greater awe.



If you're not familiar with him... you should be.